Everything else

"SB Nation, Bleacher Report and Deadspin all need to check their facts," said a spokesman for the Associated Press. "Either that, or maybe come up with a new way to say that a defender was fooled by a basketball move."

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.

Other disciplinary measures that were discussed included taking away each player's replica Jimmer Freddette jersey and crazy wild plaid sweater, as well as moving the players' normally lenient 9:00 pm Saturday night curfew all the way forward to the unthinkably early 8:45 hour.

Oh, how far the mighty can fall due to selfishness. After recently reading an article about Kobe Bryant, (ESPN the Magazine), I can no longer ignore the Mamba’s problems. He’s out of control because he’s trying to hold on to it, and While the sports world spends it’s time defending Bryant, I believe the root of the Lakers problems is found in No. 24 himself.

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

"Of course we're excited," said ESPN President John Skipper. "What woman in America is not tuning in for the chance to see Adam [Levine], Pharrell [Williams] or Blake [Shelton] lose their shirt? Women are gonna be praying for Adam to fold."