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"I appreciate the question, I really do," said Kane after reading a canned statement. "But I'm only here to discuss hockey, not my excessive wrinkles, thinning hair and sunken facial features."

The sports world was rocked today by the revelation that a majority of the Little League World Series players in the championship game tested positive for juice. “We’re stunned,” said LLWS executive director Greg Anderson. “This is not part of our core values.”

“We knew going in that this was our ace in the hole,” Sultan told reporters. “Nobody—judge, jury, or executioner—can deny that skills this nasty belong on a football field, not locked in a cell."

“I was told that Ulis and Lyles had stopped attending their Physical Recreation course in February, so I realized at that point that they could very well be one and done,” said Calipari. “Those two ball kids, however, could probably have used another year in school, but they’re sure to find gainful employment in the NBA D League.”

“You see, when teams are struggling for a long time, they tend to get a little desperate,” said Chicago police officer Bob Jones. “Lose for over a century, and then something like this happens.”

“While we appreciate everything that Kentucky’s coach John Calipari has done to contribute by sending players to the NBA, we cannot condone the pay cuts that our free agents will take to sign with UK," Roberts stated in a press release.

WSCR-AM afternoon host Dan Bernstein Wednesday night confirmed what many women have believed, but no man would ever confirm: Men get distracted by "giant boobs". In a reply to a tweet by co-worker Matt...