Olympics

“We want to open up another season, a ‘Spring Olympics’, and we’re willing to host it,” he said. "We’re still in the early stages of developing the events, but we have some good ones lined up. There's Sheep Shaving, Pub Song Singing, and Horseback Riding on the beach like they did in 'The Quiet Man.'"

“These athletes, they’re sick of the recession, too,” said store owner Sal Smith. “Why hang your gold on a wall when you can get dinner and a new pair of shoes? You gonna forget you won? Write it down!”

“He texted me, ‘Does this thing happen every year?’,” said Lukas. “Which is weird, because I hadn’t heard from him in weeks. And when I told him, ‘No, the Olympics alternate every two years between summer and winter games,’ he said, ‘So they’ll be in jackets next time?’ I didn't quite understand, but kinda started to feel like I wanted to go cut his cable.”

“I like the hat is all,” fibbed James. “It has nothing to do with my hairline; I’m just sick of headbands and want to express my patriotism. Besides, I’m not balding, that’s just trickery in the arena lights.”

"I was totally hammered at my buddy's barbeque and saw what I thought was a tiny tennis racket and started hitting the goofing cone thing at some of our friends," said Steeger. "I had no idea it was an Olympic sport and, to be honest, I'm still kind of surprised it is."

"This is a time to celebrate," said a spokesperson for McDonald's, global sponsor of this year's games. "While it's true our food has actually prevented countless athletes from reaching their full potential, it's also true that our Double Quarter Pounder is delicious! And that's 90 percent of your daily allowance of saturated fat for just $3.49!"

As the United States of America’s best warm-weather athletes walk out to represent their country during the Olympic games’ opening ceremonies, their domestically-attired chests not-so-proudly boast: “U.A.S.”