SEC

"Well, thankfully they're the same colors, I don't have to waste time shopping. Ain't nobody got time for that," said Bielema. "It's an SEC school, so who cares if they've become even more of a joke while I'm there? I'd rather be a loser in the SEC than a winner by default in the Big Ten."

With the SEC comprising half of the top ten, the computers have come up with the solution of just having Notre Dame play against all five teams.

After a devastating loss to the University of Louisiana-Monroe Saturday, the Arkansas Razorbacks took an unprecedented tumble in the national rankings. The light of a new day showed that the team, ranked eighth just days earlier, had fallen completely out of the Bowl Championship Series. They had landed in the sports twilight zone once known as "Division II.”

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”

As John Calipari readied his top-ranked Wildcats for March Madness, the oft-maligned Kentucky coach took a few minutes to reflect on the hard work and dedication that's gotten him where he is today.

“My staff and I were sitting around wondering when the 2030 class of freshmen would be available for recruiting," said the coach. "Then it hit us. Why have an age restriction? And even more, why can’t we recruit a player as early as possible?”