Big Ten

"We thought 'Legends' and 'Leaders' would each be a proper description of our programs, but we were wrong," said Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany. "Starting today there will be a third division for any schools in our conference that have been aiding and abetting known child molesters."

When the Ohio State Buckeyes meet the Miami Hurricanes on Sept. 17 there will be much more at stake than just a football game. In an out-of-character move, the NCAA announced the winner of this match-up of corrupt programs will be awarded immunity from any pending sanctions for off-field impropriety. The loser will become the first school since SMU in 1987 to receive the “death penalty.”

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

“I’ve narrowed my choice to a few teams in the AFC East and NFC East. I consider the San Francisco Metro area a dark-horse. Of course, Dallas came in with a strong push,” said Pryor, who is now sporting a new, complimentary “Tressel Can Lick My Balls”-tattoo from Fort Worth Ink and Piercing.

Congratulations to the Indiana Hoosiers for their apparent NCAA championship victory over the down-and-out Fighting Illini at Assembly Hall last night.

Fewer than two weeks after he and four teammates were suspended five games next season for trading Ohio State memorabilia for cash and discounted tattoos, QB Terrelle Pryor immediately sold the 2011 Sugar Bowl MVP trophy he won Tuesday night for a "2011 Sugar Bowl MVP" tattoo at a French Quarter parlor.

This week's stats include Retirement Leaders, Best Jay Ratings and Highest NFL Fines.