D Bags

Plenty of NBA pundits have by now made the mistake of questioning Michael Jordan’s “all-time greatest player” status in the wake of LeBron James’ meteoric and sustained rise to basketball stardom. Since Jordan’s playing days are behind him, he recently challenged LBJ to a battle for alpha-male status on his new home court -- the floor of the MGM Grand Casino in Las Vegas.

In the fifth year of his eight-year $136 million deal Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano has been leading the team in home runs, is near the top of the Cubs RBI list, and has been playing better defensively, but apparently he’s missed the one thing he learned to embrace his last first years in Chicago: booing.

Always a breath away from a controversy, Alex Rodriguez was again caught kissing himself in a Yankees locker room mirror, part of an apparent self-loving trend that began in 2009 with a now-infamous Details magazine mirror make-out photo.

Bettman made the announcement from a limousine in downtown Vancouver that was being rocked back and forth by a few dozen local hooligans Wednesday night.

“With the support of Jesus, the fans, and my family, I’ve learned the error of my ways,” Burress said. “I am a changed man. The next time I go into a nightclub with a bunch of strippers and hoodlums, I will have a trigger lock on my unregistered firearm."

“It’s impossible,” Scaramone said. “There’s no way we would’ve lost if Sheila had worn her rally cap like I told her to.”

"We all thought the guy made a deal with the devil when he signed with the Heat," said TNT analyst and NBA Hall of Famer Charles Barkley. "But now it turns out he actually is the devil. That's just turrible."