D Bags

"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."

The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.

A.J. Pierzynski found himself in the middle of another fracas this week in Tampa against the Rays. Here are the Top 10 was the White Sox catcher normally agitates his opponents.

Lawrence Taylor’s Super Bowl XXV ring sold at auction for over $230,000 this week. Even more amazing than the price was the mystery winner, Charlie Sheen.

Newly suspended Phoenix Coyotes winger Raffi Torres is turning to a new outlet to unleash his violent streak. Since being handed a 25-game suspension, Torres was immediately contacted by WWE and offered a guest spot during their “Extreme Rules” event at Allstate Arena, Sunday, April 29. Torres agreed to terms almost immediately.

“We all have to bear this time of transition together,” said Ricketts. “Also, to be clear, he’s only getting the names of Cubs fans we haven’t already sold to advertisers. Ten-thousand of you are named ‘Reebok’ now, by the way.”

“I’m truly sorry to our university,” said a distraught Calipari. “I spent all my time and resources recruiting professional basketball players. I totally forgot to recruit some real pros to celebrate. I mean, once this title gets vacated, what else are people going to remember?”