West

"While the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders both have rabid fan bases and plenty of experience as franchises, the other bubble teams just look a bit more relevant heading into the season," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

“I can’t express how great it feels to throw my second career no-hitter," said Lincecum. "I’d especially like to thank the people that helped me along the way, namely my teammates, my coaches and the guys at 420 Farmacy in Boulder who scored me a nickel bag of Black Bart’s Acapulco Woodbine right after I had just run out of Mystic Mountain Schnozzberry Kush.”

“The owners could have made at least one unreasonable demand,” Bettman was overheard lamenting to a confidant. “Otherwise what am I doing here? All I’ve got is this cheap suit and my idea to dot the greater southwestern desert with unprofitable teams.”

Against the wishes of their captain, several Blackhawks players have flown to Los Angeles to crash the parade of the newly crowned Stanley Cup Champions Kings.

"Super excited!" said an exuberant Weir. "This is LA vs New York, East vs. West, Broadway vs Hollywood. The only disappointment is the Blackhawks aren't involved. To me they have the best outfits. Of course Henrik Lundqvist is here. There's a man that's put together. It's a shame he has to wear that mask for three hours."

"Man, getting Kobe on the ice will be huge," said Strong. "Plus he'll be skating with Gretzky, which will be insane."

An op-ed piece from Seth Jaffe, a Heckler writer born and raised in Southern California: If you grew up Los Angeles like I did, then there is only one thing on your mind this weekend, and that’s hockey, unless of course you have Coachella tickets or know somebody who can get you into SkyBar.