West

"Bill will not be allowed to participate in any aspect of the 5-hour program. No interviews. No canned speeches in the locker room. Nothing," said commissioner Roger Goodell. "With this punishment, we can finally put the whole scandal behind us and remind people this is a game filled with integrity, presented by Mercedes and Bud Light."

It's not just the biggest sporting event of 2015. Super Bowl XLIX is also the most important advertising day of the year, when the world's most noteworthy brands unveil their best commercials. Thanks to this handy bingo board, you can play (or drink) along as the ads are unveiled.

"It seems like all anybody cares about is scandal and cheating," said Seahawks QB Russell Wilson. "So, we decided to invent a little drama of our own by injecting ourselves with steroids during Wednesday's press conference. Unfortunately, the needles just reminded the reporters of air pumps, and they decided to ask us how we felt about the whole 'DeflateGate' thing."

"Oh, if you thought that the deflated balls were something, you ain't seen nothing yet," an unusually eager Belichick told reporters. "Like, and I'm just spitballing here, you know how receivers wear gloves? I know the guy that supplies the gloves. I could try filling the Seahawks' gloves with nicotine patches."

"In addition to getting every call right, it will also provide much-needed stoppage time for players to rest, advertisers to advertise and fans to get snacks or use the restroom," said Goodell. "Everybody wins. Plus, we can now bill the Super Bowl as a two-day event, which is sure to excite people. If four hours of football is good, then 36 hours is better, right?"

Greerson, who also is known for going into work on Mondays saying, "Cheer up everyone, we got a whole week ahead of us!" said that he likes the Seahawks "because they won last year, and Pete Carroll seems like a guy I'd like to get a beer with," but added that "Bill Belichick is probably my favorite coach out there, and that Tom Brady sure is handsome!"

Founder "Papa" John Schnatter said pizza sales during the game plunged 20 percent after the Colts took an early 7-point lead, and declined 63 percent by the middle of the fourth quarter.