West

Following Palmer's trade to the Raiders, fantasy owners everywhere scurried to either add him to an already mediocre stable of quarterbacks or to persuade league competitors that Palmer is a much more lucrative pickup than a middling running back, up and coming wide receiver, or second kicker.

“Wow!” an exuberated chief executive, Bill Polian exclaimed. “That was your classic trap game against Cincy. I mean, they should beat us, but have such a littered history of massive meltdowns and chokes that I was sincerely worried they might let this one go. I almost considered taking Cedric Benson out on the town last night just to lock this sucker down.”

Lions coach Jim Schwartz went after 49ers coach Jim Harbaugh for blabbering key plot points of the latest installment of this season's "Sons of Anarchy" while both coaches shook hands at the conclusion of their game Sunday afternoon.

"It was great that Coach Fox heeded our advice on the Timmy Tebow situation," said Bill Bennett, president of Broncos Fans With Too Much Time and Money on Their Hands. “Now we’d like him to start considering some other moves.”

According to Revelation 59, verse 15: “And the mighty jungle cats shall cut free its once leader of men. But descending from the western lands shall appear a fearless entity, a man from the lush sunshine state returning in all his glory. And he shall lead the lynx to glory and prominence, carrying his people on his back, plowing through obstacles with his mighty legs, and whipping all enemies with his unorthodox throwing motion.”

The Milwaukee Brewers issued a statement following their 8-1 NLDS Game 3 loss to Arizona that attributed the presence of Craig Counsell on the team's playoff roster to an unfortunate clerical error.

"This is terrible news," said Sanchez, who shouldn't miss any playing time with the injury. "I had five cover shoots lined up for the next month: Esquire, Vanity Fair, SI for Kids, Real Simple and Scientific American. Now they're all gone."