West

"That makes two," said Jordan, referring to the number of wives or ex-wives he'll soon have, compared to Bryant's paltry one. "I have the rings. I have the wives. What else is there, really?"

"It's disappointing but we had a great run," said PG Derrick Rose. "I'll never forget that great comeback win we had against the Lakers a day earlier in the season opener."

"When I turned on the TV I thought my picture needed adjusting," said Stern, taking a page from Roger Goodell's book and punishing a player for wearing inappropriate footwear. "Neon green and purple? Does Kobe think he's a Fly Girl wearing those ugly-ass kicks?"

Giants fans throughout the country have been in complete shock this off-season as GM Brian Sabean has so far restrained himself from signing a washed-up guy in his 30s or 40s.

"On the basketball court I'm lobbing up 20 to 25 shots a game so I don't have to worry about playing defense," said Ellis. "But in this case they're the ones who are lobbing shots my way, but instead of shots, it's damning evidence like copies unsolicited cell phone photos of my penis that I sent to a woman who worked for the team."

The Los Angeles Angels quickly moved to void the 10-year, $254 million deal they handed Albert Pujols after a document surfaced from the Dominican Republic noting the slugger's year of birth as 1966.

Following the high-profile signings of Albert Pujols and C.J. Wilson for a combined $335 million, the Angels have announced a "modest price increase" of 240 percent on all seats in Angel Stadium.