West

Jamie Moyer's 27-year MLB career reached a high note Friday when Commissioner Bud Selig announced the 49-year-old Rockies pitcher had been great-grandfathered into the baseball's Hall of Fame.

The prognosis from Los Angeles Angels team doctors is as worst feared: 1B Albert Pujols has been officially pronounced “Dunn for the year,” as in Chicago White Sox 1B/DH Adam Dunn.

Looking for something to do Saturday afternoon? How about a dirt-cheap Cubs-Dodgers game and Wrigleyville great pre-party? And it's all for you from your friends at The Heckler. Only a few spots remain, so sign up today while you still can.

“When a client changes jobs it is customary to let us know,” said a BALCO spokesman. “We have been sending Pujols’s HGH supplies to St. Louis on schedule for the past 10 years, and Albert didn’t fill out the ‘new employer’ form. It looks like he is off the juice; no wonder he sucks.”

“Mostly, it’s the Cubs,” Pujols said. “I used to kill them. But now that I’m in the American League, it’s different. They’ve got real pitchers in this league, not the Triple A rejects they have on the Cubs. Playing against them I forgot how to hit real pitching.”

“I’ve played the feel-good card and it's super lame,” World Piece said. “No one respects a tree-hugging hippie, but when I flash my piece at James Harden on the court, you better believe people will recognize.”

The pressure of the playoffs finally got to Blackhawks coach Joel Quenneville as his infamous mustache spontaneously burst into flames during the first period of Monday's pivotal first-round playoff contest against the Coyotes. Coach Q calmly extinguished the blaze and continued coaching. In less than five minutes the mustache had fully regrown.