Oakland

"On the basketball court I'm lobbing up 20 to 25 shots a game so I don't have to worry about playing defense," said Ellis. "But in this case they're the ones who are lobbing shots my way, but instead of shots, it's damning evidence like copies unsolicited cell phone photos of my penis that I sent to a woman who worked for the team."

Three months after southpaw Pedro Feliciano’s left rotator cuff surgery, you wouldn’t expect there to be a market for his services. But then, you’d be underestimating the resourcefulness of Billy Beane.

"It's been a whirlwind," Palmer told reporters. "First I was a retired member of the Cincinnati Bengals, and then I was throwing more interceptions than touchdowns for the Oakland Raiders, and now here I am, ready to totally torpedo the Chicago Bears season."

In a shocking move sure to have impact throughout the league, the Raiders have decided to shore up their offense by adding Rex Grossman, the former Bears, Texans and now Redskins QB, to their lineup in exchange for their first-round draft picks from 2014-2017.

Following Palmer's trade to the Raiders, fantasy owners everywhere scurried to either add him to an already mediocre stable of quarterbacks or to persuade league competitors that Palmer is a much more lucrative pickup than a middling running back, up and coming wide receiver, or second kicker.

"This is terrible news," said Sanchez, who shouldn't miss any playing time with the injury. "I had five cover shoots lined up for the next month: Esquire, Vanity Fair, SI for Kids, Real Simple and Scientific American. Now they're all gone."

The film "Moneyball" opens this weekend and is already receiving rave reviews from critics across the country, despite a major factual error that depicts the Oakland A's winning the 2002 World Series over the Giants in highly dramatic, walk-off fashion.