SoCal

"What a moron!" exclaimed Pujols. "I'm like 20 years older than him and I got myself a 10-year, quarter billion dollar deal! He didn't even bother to screw over all his devoted fans. Such a joke."

"Kobe has done so much for the organization," said owner Jerry Buss. "We felt we couldn't let him wave bye-bye to the $360 million he has made during his tenure as a Laker. As soon as the papers are signed, the team is prepared to offer him a contract that will recoup anything he loses to Vanessa."

“'Paul to the Clippers'?” asked a UCLA student. “I think I saw on IMDB that's Quentin Tarantino's new flick about strippers in New Mexico who seek revenge against the corrupt school boards.”

Clippers president Andy Roeser has ordered an oversized statue of a hand giving the middle finger be placed immediately outside the Los Angeles Lakers locker room within the very stadium the two teams share.

After reports surfaced they were trying to acquire Chris Paul and Dwight Howard, the Lakers shocked the league by announcing that not only do they plan to continue pursuing Paul and Howard, they've also proposed trades for Derrick Rose, Kevin Durant, and sure, why not, LeBron James.

“I could have donated them, but I didn’t feel like dragging them all to the Brown Elephant,” Vaughn said.“ Looks like my only hope for a profitable 2012 would be if the Cubs could sign Yu Darvish.”

The Cardinals reportedly lost their superstar Albert Pujols to the Angels because the pious first baseman believed the religiously named team was actually owned by God. There's no word on whether Pujols is now aware the team is actually owned by billboard magnate Arte Moreno, but should he find out and have him sour on the decision, it's too late now as the deal has already been signed.