Los Angeles

Adam "The Big Donkey" Dunn offers some helpful advice to struggling slugger Albert Pujols. By Rick Atkinson

The prognosis from Los Angeles Angels team doctors is as worst feared: 1B Albert Pujols has been officially pronounced “Dunn for the year,” as in Chicago White Sox 1B/DH Adam Dunn.

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“When a client changes jobs it is customary to let us know,” said a BALCO spokesman. “We have been sending Pujols’s HGH supplies to St. Louis on schedule for the past 10 years, and Albert didn’t fill out the ‘new employer’ form. It looks like he is off the juice; no wonder he sucks.”

“Mostly, it’s the Cubs,” Pujols said. “I used to kill them. But now that I’m in the American League, it’s different. They’ve got real pitchers in this league, not the Triple A rejects they have on the Cubs. Playing against them I forgot how to hit real pitching.”

“I’ve played the feel-good card and it's super lame,” World Piece said. “No one respects a tree-hugging hippie, but when I flash my piece at James Harden on the court, you better believe people will recognize.”

Any doubts Albert Pujols had that the Cardinals were harboring ill-will toward him after he left the team for the free agency millions of the Angels, were erased when he opened his mail Monday morning and discovered his 2011 World Series ring had been shipped to him on the middle finger of a cadaver’s hand, on dry ice in a Cracker Jack box.