Lakers

As word of a four-team trade that will bring Dwight Howard to the Lakers spread, the now former Magic center breathed a sigh of relief that his long, drawn-out relocation process had finally ended.

Michael Jordan today issued a decree to his millions of loyal followers: "Please stop posting that 'tacky' photo of LeBron, Kobe and me and all the trophies to Facebook."

“I’ve played the feel-good card and it's super lame,” World Piece said. “No one respects a tree-hugging hippie, but when I flash my piece at James Harden on the court, you better believe people will recognize.”

Magic Johnson has wasted little time in trying to turn around his recently acquired L.A Dodgers. He is attempting to lure his former Lakers head coach Pat Riley as general manager. Johnson seeks out Riley not for his baseball prowess or lack thereof, but rather his ability to bring a certain culture and swag to the teams he runs.

“I'm just tired of playing basketball here all by myself and need to move out of this place,” said Jordan. “So I would like to give the opportunity for someone to play me in a game of HORSE, and if they beat me, I will give my home away free of charge.”

"I've been doing this job for more than 10 years, and still I'm stuck with this single-cup coffee maker," said Kupchak. "You know the kind where you put the little pouch into the thing and a minute later it spits out this swill that I'm convinced strips the enamel off your teeth."