Dodgers

Hanley Ramirez wore his traditional No. 13 jersey in his first game as a Dodger, but his new team will soon require he switch numbers to help rectify the past at Chavez Ravine.

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Magic Johnson has wasted little time in trying to turn around his recently acquired L.A Dodgers. He is attempting to lure his former Lakers head coach Pat Riley as general manager. Johnson seeks out Riley not for his baseball prowess or lack thereof, but rather his ability to bring a certain culture and swag to the teams he runs.

The Mets have acquired Matt Kemp and Clayton Kershaw, but not in the conventional way. Starting in the 2012 season, the Mets and Dodgers will be combined to form one “Super Team.”

Even though he’s in jail awaiting trial on drug and grand theft auto charges, things are looking up for baseball-player-turned-financial-consultant Lenny Dykstra. The former outfielder recently announced he landed a big client: Dodgers owner Frank McCourt, whose team is currently in MLB conservatorship.

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun!"

The red-hot Dodgers and their fans are reeling today after news broke that slugger Manny Ramirez will be handed a 50-game suspension for testing positive for what insiders are calling "Crazy Juice."