Texas

In a historic first, the NBA accepted full responsibility for blowing Tuesday night's Game 6 Final between the Spurs and Heat when officials caused San Antonio to miss several key free throws down the stretch.

With the Heat one loss away from losing the NBA Finals to the Spurs, the anchors on SportsCenter won't have any of that. They are going to extreme lengths to help the Heat repeat as champions, including voodoo.

"Come on, Bud, send them back where they belong!" Cubs chairman Tom Ricketts shouted while pounding on Commissioner Bud Selig's office door. "Please, please, PLEASE! I'll be your friend since I know you don't have any!" Ricketts pleaded as Selig hid under the desk in his locked, darkened office.

Eyebrows were raised recently when it was reported earlier this week that 2012 Heisman Trophy winner Johnny Manziel was taking college classes online and was only on campus once a month. A spokesperson representing the Texas A&M freshman denied the report saying that Manziel is doing coursework, not online, but through mental telepathy.

"I guarantee I'm going to win the Bro Bowl," Rex boasted during the pregame spread of chicken wings, nachos and Budweiser. "With Mark Sanchez as my triple-threat quarterback, there's no way my hack of a brother can take me down!"

"There is a certain former all-conference free agent out there I've had my eye on for awhile," Jones said as he turned to face the gigantic mirror that lines an entire wall of his suite. "Yes sir. Just the guy for the job."

"Well, I've still got a mortgage on my house in Texas, so I'll probably need to save about a million a year to pay for that and to get myself a nice condo in Cali. So at this point, the maximum amount I can set aside for coke would be $24 million each year, right everybody?"