Texas

"No receiver in the history of the game has ever retained possession of the ball forever, thereby ending the play with what must be ruled an incomplete pass," said Fox's Mike Pereira.

"After much calculation, we've determined there is simply not enough Botox in the world to fix what ails Mr. Jones," said a spokesman for the global health agency. "It's unclear if surgery would even be able to reverse the cumulative effects of owning the Cowboys at this point."

"While the Dallas Cowboys and Oakland Raiders both have rabid fan bases and plenty of experience as franchises, the other bubble teams just look a bit more relevant heading into the season," said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

“All y’all playah-haters be forgettin that I run this piece," said Bonner. "The B-Red is a fully legit operation’ and there ain’t no time for haterz and busters. Respect tha’ Freckles or die. I ain’t got no love, unless you one of my thug homies who been there for me every step of the way."

From waking up excited to watching the actual game, the path from Monday morning to Monday night is a roller coaster of emotions.

In a move that's being described as cost-cutting, convenient and pragmatic, the Houston Astros and New York Mets will sit out the upcoming Major League Baseball season.

President Obama issued the executive order only after exhaustive peace talks between the fraternity brothers and the Texas A &M stand-out QB broke down at the last possible minute. When pressed by the Associated Press about the strong possibility of a nuclear option, President Obama responded that “All options were on the table.”