South

"We have finalized the catering for the event, and there will be a whole mess of crab legs there from Shaw's. And if someone, say a Heisman Trophy winner with a history of controversy, were to take some extras home with him? Well, we made sure our event staff knows to let that happen. Heck, we're encouraging our attendees to take all the leftovers they can carry," said Goodell.

“I feel good about this season,” the 275-pound Fielder said. “This is the first spring training I’ve shown up to where I don’t feel like I can get any bigger, so that can only mean good things for me.”

"No receiver in the history of the game has ever retained possession of the ball forever, thereby ending the play with what must be ruled an incomplete pass," said Fox's Mike Pereira.

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

“I owe it to my former teammates,” explained McCown. “They didn’t do anything to deserve this awful season, so I thought I’d help them out. “

Jimmy Graham, star tight end of the New Orleans Saints, found himself at the center of a new NFL scandal this week as his neighbors came forward to speak about his tendency to shove people out of his way.

"After much calculation, we've determined there is simply not enough Botox in the world to fix what ails Mr. Jones," said a spokesman for the global health agency. "It's unclear if surgery would even be able to reverse the cumulative effects of owning the Cowboys at this point."