South

"This is the South," said a clearly shaken Long. "We expect our leaders to be able to do certain things, and handling a motorcycle with someone who's not your wife on the back is certainly one of them. I get sick to my stomach every time I read an article that says Coach Petrino 'laid down his motorcycle' after he lost control. What the hell is that?"

The 5-game suspension handed down by the Miami Marlins couldn't have come at a better time for manager Ozzie Guillen, who will now be able to accept dictator Fidel Castro's offer to "hang out in Cuba" for a while.

Miami Marlins skipper Ozzie Guillen has apologized after several comments made this week. Guillen told the media that he is very sorry for his remarks, in which he professed love and admiration for Fidel Castro and “respects him for staying in power for so long.”

"I did not ride a motorcycle with that woman--Jessica Dorrell," Petrino said as he pointed a finger at the television cameras. "I was riding along and she appeared on my back seat. I did my best to shake her off and the bike got away from me."

Fresh off being named Most Outstanding Player of the Final Four and a National Championship, Kentucky freshman Anthony Davis has landed his first big endorsement deal. The future NBA star will be the new “Wooly Willy.”

“I can’t say enough good things about the new arena,” Heat star LeBron James said. “The design perfectly captures what me, D-Wade and Chris [Bosh] are trying to accomplish with this team.”

Atlanta third baseman Chipper Jones has announced a deal with Hoveround. Jones, who recently slipped while stretching just moments before he announced his plans to retire after the 2012 season, has decided to try to get some help.