South

Following a season that produced just seven wins, the Bobcats are focusing on acquiring talent this off-season. However, being completely devoid of the ability to assess actual NBA talent, owner and "Space Jam" star Michael Jordan has decided to call on some of his old friends to revamp the franchise Monstars, which were featured in the film.

After suffering a humiliating 4-1 first-round playoff series loss to Nashville, Red Wings GM Ken Holland is looking to sign the ultimate Predator-stopper, NBC News' Chris Hansen.

"I didn't mean nothing by it," said Guillen. "I had some time on my hands during this suspension and decided to grow a mustache like one of my favorite athletes, Michael Jordan. I didn't know people would think I grew it to be like Adolf [expletive deleted] Hitler."

Red Wings coach Mike Babcock announced at his team’s morning skate retired enforcer/goon Darren McCarty had been signed to a one-day contract for Friday night’s playoff game against the Predators. Babcock denied the signing had anything to do with Shea Weber’s cheap shot on Henrik Zetterberg in the closing moments of Nashville’s opening game 3-2 victory Wednesday, but did wink at reporters as he closed the interview.

With a hairline that has receded faster than the bank accounts of players during the lockout, the usually strict NBA has decided to amend their dress code to allow a special eight-inch head band just for superstar LeBron James.

After a lackluster season in Dallas, the Mavericks have had enough. Odom will now venture off into a new direction, opening up and running his wife's clothing store DASH.

“Look, I’m not saying I approve of brainwashing millions of people through oppression and propaganda,” Ventura said in a press conference he held to clarify his earlier statement. “My point was that I had to admire anyone who could attain a position of leadership despite a lack of experience and meaningful qualifications.”