South

The Orlando Magic have announced they are close to signing former superstar center and current NBA analyst Shaquille O'Neal as their next GM, pending approval of a clause from O'Neal's representation demanding that he be allowed to go to the office dressed in the same genie outfit he wore in the 1996 box office flop, Kazaam.

"Did you watch game two?" Bosh asked reporters as LeBron James was leaving the locker room. "I am the MVP of this league, and game two showed that. I can win numerous MVP awards ... like two, three or maybe even four."

“I read this article about how I used to eat 12,000 calories per day while competing,” said Phelps. “Have you seen those tacos made out of potato chips? Catching up will be no problem, once I figure this out. Hey, do you know if I was a competitive eater?”

Mark Cuban was so upset that his defending champion Dallas Mavericks were swept out of the playoffs by the Oklahoma City Thunder that he bought a majority ownership stake in the franchise.

"If the Marlins wanted fireworks when they signed Zambrano, a dud is what they got," said Dan LeBatard, the "Jay Mariotti" of Miami. "He just walks around saying 'serenity now' anytime something bothers him. He's stayed calm so far, but hopefully there's a storm brewing."

Earlier this week, the people of North Carolina passed Amendment 1, which many believed was just a ban on gay marriage. But it has now been revealed that this amendment could also undercut child custody arrangements, jeopardize hospital visiting rights, and most surprisingly – it bans marriage between graduates of Duke University and the University of North Carolina.

Knicks’ GM Glen Grunwald forwarded forfeit papers to the NBA league office today after it was discovered that every Knicks player intentionally suffered a season-ending injury on Tuesday. The Miami Heat will advance to the quarter finals after winning only two of seven games.