South

The Cubs trade of catcher Geo Soto to the Rangers earlier this week was barely headline-worthy material for fans, but another segment of the city's population is reportedly "despondent" at the news.

“I like the hat is all,” fibbed James. “It has nothing to do with my hairline; I’m just sick of headbands and want to express my patriotism. Besides, I’m not balding, that’s just trickery in the arena lights.”

"I've not been with the Cubs long, but I'm well aware of how cursed this franchise has been through the years," said team president Theo Epstein. "We're all dreading the very likely possibility that Ryan will blow out his elbow in Pittsburgh this afternoon."

Ryan Dempster was thrilled to be traded to Braves Monday because being close to Tyler Perry's Atlanta studios will allow him the chance to expand upon his comedy career by auditioning for the role of "Dorky White Guy 3" in Perry's next film, "Madea Goes to Fat Camp."

As the United States of America’s best warm-weather athletes walk out to represent their country during the Olympic games’ opening ceremonies, their domestically-attired chests not-so-proudly boast: “U.A.S.”

“They have talent,” said Jordan of Team USA. “But I'd like to see those All-Stars who never play with each other develop a rapport fast enough to not only deal with the Puerto Rico's and Germany's of the world, but also the Charlotte Bobcats. Guys like Bismack Biyombo, Kemba Walker and Matt Carroll go out there and fight and sweat for one another. They could mop the floor with this Team USA.”

In a move described as “bush league” across social media outlets, several White Sox staffers began including a #ScrewYu hashtag, unaware they were simply infuriating millions of Japanese voters and inspiring them to vote for Darvish.