South

Despite barely squeaking past the hapless Cleveland Browns in overtime, Dallas Cowboys coaches and players rejoiced on Sunday, believing their inept offense had turned a corner or something.

Play along as the Bears take on the Texans in a game the media will hail as the Bears' chance to prove themselves against a real team.

Play along as the Bears visit the Titans in Nashville in a game that will decide once and for all if Jay Cutler is a big-time quarterback. Probably.

Added Guillen: "Thanks to the strict rules about internet use, believe me, I won't be calling Fidel an [expletive deleted] on Twitter. I value my life too much."

The injury, oddly, had almost no effect on Bettman, who is expected to recover fully. After the pencil was removed, much of the shrapnel remained in the victim’s head, but, according to doctors, this hasn’t yet affected his normal state.

Fantasy football specialists across the country run the risk of pleasing or disappointing millions of followers each week. When each supposed “expert” makes his picks, literally millions of fantasy football players are hanging onto every word. That’s why this week, fantasy gurus everywhere are elated at the proposition that Cam Newton has to sit out.

The wacky world of off-the-court NBA style took another turn this week when LeBron James showed up for a post-game interview with double monocles replacing his normal lens-less glasses.