Louisiana

While many fans in attendance at Wednesday night's Hornets-Bulls game enjoyed Will Ferrell's offbeat player introductions, some of basketball's elite minds weren't the least bit amused.

“He’ll never take that from me,” gurgled Marino. Sobbingly, he picked his head up, stared at the three reporters in the room and muttered, “I’m in the best shape of my life. And I eat pizza, pasta, and even burgers.”

"If my demands are met, Chris Paul will not be harmed in any way," Stern told reporters during a press conference. "He is being given three square meals a day, but until I get my money and my jet, he is not going to play for anyone else other than the New Orleans Hornets."

In the wake of recently nixing the trade of Chris Paul from New Orleans to the Lakers, NBA Commissioner David Stern has decided to make a few more moves in order to better affect his league. In a statement issued Friday morning, Stern declared that the Christmas holiday -- coinciding with the beginning of the league schedule -- would be cancelled.

Former Bears center Olin Kreutz announced through his agent Friday that he was leaving the Saints because he “just hasn’t been feeling it.” However, sources close to the Saints staff seem to indicate that Kreutz was indeed “feeling it,” and left because he simply could no longer stand the icy-cold touch of quarterback Drew Brees’ hands on his backside.

In his 13-year career, Kreutz’s production had diminishe of late. “We feel this is the best way to honor him,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. “What better way to go out than forcibly and in front of the only two teams he's played for?”