Saints

Hours after Roger Goodell levied massive suspensions to the New Orleans GM, head coach, assistant coach and former defensive coordinator, the NFL commissioner suspended himself -- without pay -- for a year, acknowledging his role in "allowing the Saints bounty system to occur on my watch."

NFL commissioner Roger Goodell today absolved former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams of any responsibility for the recent bounty hunting controversy after Williams admitted he was influenced by Rosie from the old Bounty paper towel commercials.

At the time, Saints coach Sean Payton said the famed hired guns were with the team "strictly for entertainment purposes," but it now seems there was much more involved.

Given the team's porous, 24th-ranked defense, NFL fans were shocked to learn the New Orleans Saints paid their players to injure opponents last season.

“He’ll never take that from me,” gurgled Marino. Sobbingly, he picked his head up, stared at the three reporters in the room and muttered, “I’m in the best shape of my life. And I eat pizza, pasta, and even burgers.”

Former Bears center Olin Kreutz announced through his agent Friday that he was leaving the Saints because he “just hasn’t been feeling it.” However, sources close to the Saints staff seem to indicate that Kreutz was indeed “feeling it,” and left because he simply could no longer stand the icy-cold touch of quarterback Drew Brees’ hands on his backside.

In his 13-year career, Kreutz’s production had diminishe of late. “We feel this is the best way to honor him,” said Bears GM Jerry Angelo. “What better way to go out than forcibly and in front of the only two teams he's played for?”