Saints

Drew Brees issued an apology Thursday morning after his comments about disrespecting the flag a day earlier sparked an immediate uproar as acceptance of Colin Kaepernick's protests from a few seasons ago seemed to be gaining more acceptance than ever.

"At this point, we've yet to find a suitable replacement," said an ESPN spokesperson. "We thought about maybe having two high school teams square off instead, but the logistics are difficult given noise ordinances at most high school stadiums. As you know, Jon Gruden can be heard screaming for miles in all directions."

Jimmy Graham, star tight end of the New Orleans Saints, found himself at the center of a new NFL scandal this week as his neighbors came forward to speak about his tendency to shove people out of his way.

Play along as the Bears take on the Saints in what the broadcasters will say feels just like a playoff game...even though it's only October.

"We used to be a lot better when we illegally paid our players to put dirty hits on opposing teams' offensive stars with the intention of knocking them out of the game," said interim coach Aaron Kromer. "So we have to go back to that right away before this season gets even more out of control."

In an attempt to infuse some much-needed life into the Bounty Paper Towel brand, New York-based ad agency 72 Degrees & Crispin has secured sponsorship rights to the 2012 New Orleans Saints, fresh off the team's scandal that involved putting "bounties" on opposing squad's players.

"We agreed if I won, it would be spelled Payton with an A," said a relieved Goodell. "If the kid from Dartmouth won, it would have been Peyton with an E."