Tampa Bay

Feverish Republicans eager to support Mitt Romney's bid for the presidency saw their numbers dwindle a bit earlier this week when several thousand convention-goers refused to enter Tampa's Tropicana Field for fear the unsightly domed baseball stadium was actually a housing project.

"I'm really good at eating pork rinds," Haynesworth noted. "I'm glad somebody finally can put my skills to use. I'd like to show the world how good Americans are at watching TV and eating snacks."

MLB changed that to an error on Wright this afternoon, and then gave the Mets the 2000 “Subway” World Series title while riding its momentum. The latter move was made primarily to stick it to the Yankees, whom Manhattanites can’t stand.

Following an epiphany, Tampa Bay wide receiver Mike Williams completely removed himself from his own fantasy roster today. Realizing that only 2 percent of all Yahoo! Fantasy League owners were still starting the maligned wide receiver, Williams placed himself on waiver wires.

"I could just cheer for the Sox to win out against the Orioles, but they took three of four from us at home just last week" said Branham, whose Red Sox have won only six of 24 games this month. "No chance we sweep 'em."

“I have accomplished all I want to in this game, from winning World Series to hair growth to getting suspended for steroids,” said the slugger as he climbed on the actual Devil Ray in the Tropicana Field tank for a quick ride. “Weeeeee, riding this fish is fun!"

The main off-season priority for the Cubs was to shed several albatross contracts and pave the way for highly touted young prospects to come up to the big league squad in 2011. GM Jim Hendry changed directions Friday, trading his entire minor league system for Tampa Rays right-hander Matt Garza, who has a career 42-44 record.