Tampa Bay

While any out of state Chicago Blackhawks fans are barred entry to the arena Wednesday night, any bandwagon Lightning fans are welcome to attend the game and wear the Steven Stamkos jersey they bought yesterday.

An intern at Amelie Arena, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Look. Nobody should come into our house wearing their colors. This is our stompin' grounds!"

"We have finalized the catering for the event, and there will be a whole mess of crab legs there from Shaw's. And if someone, say a Heisman Trophy winner with a history of controversy, were to take some extras home with him? Well, we made sure our event staff knows to let that happen. Heck, we're encouraging our attendees to take all the leftovers they can carry," said Goodell.

“I owe it to my former teammates,” explained McCown. “They didn’t do anything to deserve this awful season, so I thought I’d help them out. “

“I’m extremely excited for the opportunity,” Smith said in an introductory press conference. “To take this team to water, then not allow them to drink is something I greatly look forward to.”

The game on ESPN between two teams in varying degrees of turmoil will be replaced by a commercial-free showing of "Saving Private Ryan."

To put this curse in perspective, the Rays became a professional baseball franchise all the way back in 1998. Back then, Bill Clinton was President of the United States and Apple hadn’t even invented the iPad.