Buccaneers

Saying that his life is in disarray without Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski in New England, Patriots owner Robert Kraft traded himself to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

The Tampa Bay Buccaneers desperately wanted to trade for Rob Gronkowski and were willing to throw in even some of their most valuable assets.

A Boston man nearing the end of his professional career this week announced he was moving his family to Florida to prepare for retirement.

"That's definitely been the biggest adjustment for me. It really came as a shock at first, but if you think about it, it makes sense," Winston told reporters assembled at Buccaneers minicamp. "In college, good teams might have six or seven potential NFL criminals, but once you get to the league, even the 53rd guy on the roster can be a top-level criminal."

"We have finalized the catering for the event, and there will be a whole mess of crab legs there from Shaw's. And if someone, say a Heisman Trophy winner with a history of controversy, were to take some extras home with him? Well, we made sure our event staff knows to let that happen. Heck, we're encouraging our attendees to take all the leftovers they can carry," said Goodell.

“I owe it to my former teammates,” explained McCown. “They didn’t do anything to deserve this awful season, so I thought I’d help them out. “

“I’m extremely excited for the opportunity,” Smith said in an introductory press conference. “To take this team to water, then not allow them to drink is something I greatly look forward to.”