Florida

An intern at Amelie Arena, who wished to remain anonymous stated, "Look. Nobody should come into our house wearing their colors. This is our stompin' grounds!"

"We have finalized the catering for the event, and there will be a whole mess of crab legs there from Shaw's. And if someone, say a Heisman Trophy winner with a history of controversy, were to take some extras home with him? Well, we made sure our event staff knows to let that happen. Heck, we're encouraging our attendees to take all the leftovers they can carry," said Goodell.

“I owe it to my former teammates,” explained McCown. “They didn’t do anything to deserve this awful season, so I thought I’d help them out. “

Wet Willies, atomic wedgies and super hot Indian burns can all be given by the man who has been unceremoniously removed from every team he has played for dating back to college.

"We didn't care about the Heat for the four-year period between our first championship and the signing of LeBron, and we sure as hell won't care now," said George Varela of Pompano Beach.

While LeBron James is no longer a member of the Miami Heat after opting out of his contract, team president Pat Riley is pleased with the draft that his former superstar orchestrated.

“Our defense in the middle was atrocious over the last three games of the finals,” said Riley, referring to a stretch in which the Heat managed just six total blocks. “We’ll look at Carmelo Anthony, who certainly has the ability to create his own shot at the end of the 24-second clock.”