Florida

“I like the hat is all,” fibbed James. “It has nothing to do with my hairline; I’m just sick of headbands and want to express my patriotism. Besides, I’m not balding, that’s just trickery in the arena lights.”

Ever since the Bulls selected him straight out of high school in the 2001 NBA Draft, people have been heavily scrutinizing Eddy Curry. After nine years in the league, many were beginning to wonder if he would ever be able to win a championship. That all changed last week as the Miami Heat's 14th man/South Beached Whale excitedly cheered from the bench as LeBron James and Co. blew out the Oklahoma City Thunder to clinch the franchise's second title.

“This changes everything,” said Watkins. “Sure, that particular dinosaur seems a bit awkward and maybe even a little annoying, but the very notion that a velociraptor is roaming the earth millions of years after every other member of its genus has disappeared, well, it’s crazy to say the least!”

“I was so tempted to scream out, ‘I’m going to Disney World!’ last night after the win,” said an elated James. "But then I started thinking that Anaheim may be better than Orlando. Plus, I’m already in Florida, so a little out of state time would be great.”

You’d think Heat fans would be thrilled their team was on the verge of its second NBA title, but as it turns out, they were just hungry. While it may have sounded like the arena was cheering their heroes on in unison, they in actuality were chanting “Let’s Go Eat!”

The Lord God Almighty announced Thursday afternoon that He -- like the rest of humanity -- is so outraged by the success of the Heat that he will bring the worldwide destruction and reckoning predicted in the Book of Revelation once Miami wins Game 5 of the Finals tonight, bringing LeBron James his first NBA title.

"First the refs were giving Dwyane Wade and LeBron James all the calls," said Michael Stenson, a Heat-hating NBA fan from Minnesota. "But then they found some way to force OKC to shoot only 60 percent from the line. It's complete crap."