Miami

"If the Marlins wanted fireworks when they signed Zambrano, a dud is what they got," said Dan LeBatard, the "Jay Mariotti" of Miami. "He just walks around saying 'serenity now' anytime something bothers him. He's stayed calm so far, but hopefully there's a storm brewing."

Knicks’ GM Glen Grunwald forwarded forfeit papers to the NBA league office today after it was discovered that every Knicks player intentionally suffered a season-ending injury on Tuesday. The Miami Heat will advance to the quarter finals after winning only two of seven games.

"I didn't mean nothing by it," said Guillen. "I had some time on my hands during this suspension and decided to grow a mustache like one of my favorite athletes, Michael Jordan. I didn't know people would think I grew it to be like Adolf [expletive deleted] Hitler."

With a hairline that has receded faster than the bank accounts of players during the lockout, the usually strict NBA has decided to amend their dress code to allow a special eight-inch head band just for superstar LeBron James.

“Look, I’m not saying I approve of brainwashing millions of people through oppression and propaganda,” Ventura said in a press conference he held to clarify his earlier statement. “My point was that I had to admire anyone who could attain a position of leadership despite a lack of experience and meaningful qualifications.”

The 5-game suspension handed down by the Miami Marlins couldn't have come at a better time for manager Ozzie Guillen, who will now be able to accept dictator Fidel Castro's offer to "hang out in Cuba" for a while.

Miami Marlins skipper Ozzie Guillen has apologized after several comments made this week. Guillen told the media that he is very sorry for his remarks, in which he professed love and admiration for Fidel Castro and “respects him for staying in power for so long.”