Marlins

Added Guillen: "Thanks to the strict rules about internet use, believe me, I won't be calling Fidel an [expletive deleted] on Twitter. I value my life too much."

Adam Greenberg's second chance came and went in a flash Tuesday night as he went out swinging on three pitches against NL Cy Young favorite and knuckleballer R.A. Dickey. He's now hoping for one last plate appearance, but against a more hittable pitcher.

"All I know is they asked me if a Jewish kid with headaches could play Tuesday," said Guillen. "I said yes because what do I care? This [expletive deleted] season ended in July for us anyway."

"If the Marlins wanted fireworks when they signed Zambrano, a dud is what they got," said Dan LeBatard, the "Jay Mariotti" of Miami. "He just walks around saying 'serenity now' anytime something bothers him. He's stayed calm so far, but hopefully there's a storm brewing."

"I didn't mean nothing by it," said Guillen. "I had some time on my hands during this suspension and decided to grow a mustache like one of my favorite athletes, Michael Jordan. I didn't know people would think I grew it to be like Adolf [expletive deleted] Hitler."

“Look, I’m not saying I approve of brainwashing millions of people through oppression and propaganda,” Ventura said in a press conference he held to clarify his earlier statement. “My point was that I had to admire anyone who could attain a position of leadership despite a lack of experience and meaningful qualifications.”

The 5-game suspension handed down by the Miami Marlins couldn't have come at a better time for manager Ozzie Guillen, who will now be able to accept dictator Fidel Castro's offer to "hang out in Cuba" for a while.