Wisconsin

“I saw that Rodgers guy at the State Farm office every day,” said some guy with a New Jersey accent and a Cheesehead foam hat. “I'm unemployed and wander around drunk all day in case someone happens to be shooting a commercial I can walk in on. And every time I walked past the window there was Rodgers, just hanging out.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so the guy has his Super Bowl ring and probably an MVP trophy after this year,” said Smith. “Yeah he might also be the most efficient quarterback ever to play the position. So what? You know who has two thumbs and was drafted ahead of Aaron Rodgers?”

The Chicago Bears have selected third-string quarterback Josh McCown to be sacrificed to the Packers on Sunday. The Gods in Green Bay, known for controlling the icy winter wind and creating obese dairy farmers, demand to be appeased through regular sacrifices.

In the wake of their first loss in the season to the lowly Chiefs, fans of the Packers have taken to message boards and office water coolers to awkwardly and unconvincingly express their "relief" that the their team "doesn't have to worry about that '16-0' target on their back anymore."

The Cubs made headlines earlier this week when owner Tom Ricketts purchased a parcel of land across from Wrigley Field where a McDonald's currently sits. Seen originally as a move to bolster the ownership's presence in the neighborhood, Ricketts revealed Friday morning that it's actually a prelude to the hopeful signing of portly free agent Prince Fielder.

Disgraced Brewers slugger Ryan Braun is blaming a leftover chorizo for the drug test he failed at the end of this season.