Madison

Government officials in Wisconsin Monday morning proudly announced their women's shelters were "virtually empty" after the state experienced perhaps its best sports weekend of all time.

Intoxicated by the success of his favorite baseball team and the 15 Miller Lites he consumed while watching them sweep the Cubs this weekend, Wisconsinite Andy Maliszewski made the bold claim Sunday afternoon that Midwestern state was the center of the sports universe at that very moment.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

In the fifth year of his eight-year $136 million deal Cubs left fielder Alfonso Soriano has been leading the team in home runs, is near the top of the Cubs RBI list, and has been playing better defensively, but apparently he’s missed the one thing he learned to embrace his last first years in Chicago: booing.

Wisconsin, Northwestern, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State are all looking for new homes Saturday evening after the Big Ten announced it was dropping the five schools for their part in the conference getting swept in its New Year's Day bowl games.