Packers

Lost in the headlines saying Jay Cutler butchered the 7th Inning Stretch at Wrigley Saturday afternoon, was that injuries suffered during the hit Cutler took when throwing out the game's first pitch will force him to miss the entire 2012 season.

"I only follow Packer stuff," said Green Bay native Bob Grunowski, referring to the fact that he only pays attention to current events if they are football or sausage-related. "I asked if they would let me keep the ballot, kind of as a souvenir, but they said no. I can't wait until Rodgers is President and those stupid stars are replaced by mini wedges of cheese!"

“Nobody saw this coming, and we’re all still a little shocked and saddened by how badly our team choked. Since there’s nothing else to do in Wisconsin besides root for the Packers, I’m really glad the governor decided to name today an official day of mourning by closing all the banks, and giving our kids the day off of school.”

In the wake of Sunday’s 37-20 Green Bay loss to the Giants and on the eve of his election recall deadline, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker declared his state officially atheist, mainly because the Packer loss was fueled by a 37-yard Hail Mary TD pass from Eli Manning to Hakeem Nicks to close out the first half.

“I saw that Rodgers guy at the State Farm office every day,” said some guy with a New Jersey accent and a Cheesehead foam hat. “I'm unemployed and wander around drunk all day in case someone happens to be shooting a commercial I can walk in on. And every time I walked past the window there was Rodgers, just hanging out.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, so the guy has his Super Bowl ring and probably an MVP trophy after this year,” said Smith. “Yeah he might also be the most efficient quarterback ever to play the position. So what? You know who has two thumbs and was drafted ahead of Aaron Rodgers?”