St. Louis Cardinals

“Obviously Chris didn’t know Napoli was going to be the hero of the game a couple innings later," said Yadier Molina. "Or he would have kept his mouth shut.”

"Me? I've already got my ring," said Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols. "This one's just to rile up those morons on the North Side of Chicago."

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”

“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."

Marty Brennaman has been making other bold statements on behalf of the general public, saying such things as “People hate corn. Corn is the most hated vegetable,” and “Jim and Pam, Ross and Rachel, people have rooted against couples like this for ages.”

The big rumor floating around the Chicago sports world is that the Cubs will try to land prized free agent first baseman Albert Pujols during the offseason. A picture of Jim Hendry and Pujols hugging before a recent game has only fueled the speculation.