St. Louis

One viewer lucky enough to watch Thursday night's insanely entertaining World Series Game 6 on mute -- devoid of McCarver and Buck -- believed he had just witnessed the greatest sporting event of all time.

Following a Game 5 riddled with mistakes and miscommunication, the Cardinals will abandon the traditional bullpen phone and employ texts instead.

“Obviously Chris didn’t know Napoli was going to be the hero of the game a couple innings later," said Yadier Molina. "Or he would have kept his mouth shut.”

"Me? I've already got my ring," said Cardinals superstar first baseman Albert Pujols. "This one's just to rile up those morons on the North Side of Chicago."

“The U.S. Defense Department contractor that has secretly been creating all my replacement parts and updated hitting software was having some slight issues with the hydraulic valves in the replacement wrist,” Pujols said. “Had everything gone according to plan, I would have been back much sooner so I apologize to all Cardinals fans and fans of teams hoping to sign me as a free agent next season. I’m looking at you Cubs. Seriously, call me and offer me $156 million over 10 years.”

“We’re really excited,” said Subway V.P. of Marketing Tom Butler. “We get to trade a spokesman who simply went from morbidly obese to normal for a spokesman who went from morbidly obese to normal and can hit a fastball.”

“I just couldn’t stand all those other wines,” pouted La Russa. “None of them tasted like I wanted them to. Some were too oaky, others too bitter. After a lot of crying and some pretty serious soul-searching, I decided to just start making my own wine."