St. Louis

“First in the Central Division. First in the National League. First in violating cyber-security worldwide, every American is grateful for the Cardinals diligence in cracking these uber-secured websites,” Mr. Obama said in a White House Rose Garden ceremony.

When asked for his secret, Derusso credited his no-nonsense, oldschool approach to bracketology that he attributed to the St. Louis style of baseball he so strongly supports, as well as general inexperience and pure luck.

“You know, I just did what any other good-headed, I mean hearted, citizen would do in that situation,” said the 45-year-old Buck, with the plane’s tire marks still just barely visible on his alien-like cranium.

Sam, the first openly gay player ever drafted, is expected to find somebody else during the first month of the season between divisional road games against either Arizona and Seattle.

“Look dudes. You guys know the Brycenator totally scores with all kinds of beautiful babies. I mean I am like the biggest tail hound out there. I'm just a freaking wizard with all the sexy women. Also, I’m not gay.”

"Listen, when the Hawks and Blues face off in the playoffs, we know how it's going to go. 75% of the time, one team will have the lead before coughing it up with minutes or seconds left to go, be it a power play on a [Brent] Seabrook penalty or an advantageous short-ranged shot from Bryan Bickell. But at the end of the day, fans are waiting around for three hours to get the same result they'd see from watching five minutes of an overtime game."

All around the city of Chicago the police and fire department have been called twice more than usual today for inexplicable accidents. Pedestrians have been running into walls, drivers have missed their turns and run into each other, and numerous people have gotten caught halfway through the door on the "L."