Missouri

“When a client changes jobs it is customary to let us know,” said a BALCO spokesman. “We have been sending Pujols’s HGH supplies to St. Louis on schedule for the past 10 years, and Albert didn’t fill out the ‘new employer’ form. It looks like he is off the juice; no wonder he sucks.”

After the Cubs took their second game of a three-game against the Cardinals Tuesday night, team President Theo Epstein could be seen kicking his feet up on his desk and drinking a tall Sam Adams.

Any doubts Albert Pujols had that the Cardinals were harboring ill-will toward him after he left the team for the free agency millions of the Angels, were erased when he opened his mail Monday morning and discovered his 2011 World Series ring had been shipped to him on the middle finger of a cadaver’s hand, on dry ice in a Cracker Jack box.

“I actually tried to have the Cardinals’ ring presentation in Chicago," he said. "That way, I could have lived up to my expectation to bring a World Championship to the North Side years ahead of schedule!”

After Albert Pujols informed the Los Angeles Angels he did not want them using "El Hombre" as a slogan on their billboards, out of deference to his personal admiration to Stan "The Man" Musial, team officials have replaced the offensive slogan with billboards that simply say "Suck it, Musial."

In an unprecedented trade, the hapless Cleveland Browns have swapped four first-round draft picks and “a body of water to be named later” in exchange for the second pick in this year’s NFL draft—currently...

"There simply is not enough talent, after this off-season, to remain in the major leagues," said Selig. "One team is liable to make the playoffs with 70 wins."