Michigan

In a startling development that could derail the Tigers run for the World Series, half of the team has been diagnosed with emphysema, the result of being exposed to second-hand smoke from manager Jim Leyland who can go through eight to 10 packs of cigarettes per game, sometimes more if it's a tight contest.

Tigers third baseman Miguel Cabrera, weighing in at approximately 425 pounds, is close to becoming the first MLB player to win baseball's Triple Crown since Carl Yastrzemski did it in 1967.

Barely a week ago the White Sox had a three-game lead over the Tigers in the AL Central, but the South Siders have hit the skids and that somewhat commanding lead has quickly evaporated into a tie atop the standings, much to the surprising glee of several Chicago players.

With the Tigers and White Sox both sputtering down the stretch, a noted sports psychologist believes both teams are subconsciously tanking out of sympathy for the third-place and mathematically eliminated Royals, who have not made the postseason since 1985.

The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, "They're trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it's an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There's a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ's sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!"

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

"It's embarrassing," said the officer. "All the guys keep making fun of me for being a cherry. Or they say I must be blind if I haven't spotted a drunk Lion on the road yet."