Michigan

Last week, Matthew Stafford was obliterated by the Minnesota Vikings defense, getting sacked 10 times. This week, he faces a Bears defense that will likely feature a healthy Khalil Mack, and has dominated their past two opponents. We here at The Heckler care about Matthew Stafford's well-being, which is why we are presenting seven suggested ways he could avoid getting murdered by the Monsters of the Midway.

“I’m just scared out of my mind," said Suh. "I mean this is the guy who stalked Lisa Turtle, helped Jesse Spano score caffeine pills so she could lose weight...or ace a test I think. He played bass in Zack Attack and he even got fake ID’s and a mustache so he could meet college girls. I mean this maniac could be anywhere right now.”

Raiola admitted to cut-blocking New England's Zach Moore on the final play of Detroit's 34-9 loss to the Patriots. A furious Suh spoke to the media afterwards, chastising Raiola for his poor judgement.

In another stroke of bad luck for the Bears, the Twitter troll was later revealed to be a Golden Gloves boxer, who will most likely mop the floor with Marshall should the two ever actually match up.

Justin Verlander has arranged something that is likely to trump what any other team has given Jeter: swimsuit super model Kate Upton.

"Unfortunately league rule prohibit us from signing free agents outside the NFC North," said Bears GM Phil Emery. "I've not actually seen this rule, but since teams in our division are only signing free agents from other teams in this division it has to be the case."

"The Heckler is a real farce of a publication, so we thought this would be a great opportunity to set up a farce of a bowl game for these farcical football teams to play in."