Michigan

After coming to spring training with a bodybuilder's physique and stating he will do anything to stay with the Tigers, Brandon Inge made some enemies in his first day on the job as equipment manager by misspelling star slugger Miguel Cabrera's name "CABRERROR" on the back of his jersey and mis-numbering second basemen Ramon Santiago's jersey "E4."

Should Inge's move to second not pan out, Leyland said Inge was open to any spot on the 2012 squad, even if it meant the fan favorite would be inserted into the role of beloved Tigers mascot Paws.

Earlier this week, the Oakland A's swooped in and basically stole coveted Cuban sensation OF Yoenis Cespedes, who accepted a four-year, $36 million deal. Of the teams apparently interested in signing him (the Cubs, White Sox, Marlins and Tigers among them) the Athletics were the surprise winner.

“We have big power arms (starters such as AL MVP Justin Verlander, Doug Fister and Max Scherzer as well as a relief corps featuring flamethrowers such as Al Albuquerque and Jose Valverde), guys who, if they put their mind to it, should be able to just whiff anybody and everybody in the American League,” Leyland said after another delicious puff of sweet tobacco.

“I was doing 30, maybe 40 grand, per week in sales—mostly to Prince," Fried Cheese Please owner Tony Capanelli. "Then Prince left. Now I get maybe two or three old guys coming in here once a week. I just can’t keep the lights on.”

Newly signed Tiger Prince Fielder has promised the city of Detroit that he will do them proud by taking their money and rapidly decaying into an obese, ineffective eyesore before their very eyes over the nine years of his $214 million contract.