Tigers

Earlier this week, the Oakland A's swooped in and basically stole coveted Cuban sensation OF Yoenis Cespedes, who accepted a four-year, $36 million deal. Of the teams apparently interested in signing him (the Cubs, White Sox, Marlins and Tigers among them) the Athletics were the surprise winner.

“We have big power arms (starters such as AL MVP Justin Verlander, Doug Fister and Max Scherzer as well as a relief corps featuring flamethrowers such as Al Albuquerque and Jose Valverde), guys who, if they put their mind to it, should be able to just whiff anybody and everybody in the American League,” Leyland said after another delicious puff of sweet tobacco.

“I was doing 30, maybe 40 grand, per week in sales—mostly to Prince," Fried Cheese Please owner Tony Capanelli. "Then Prince left. Now I get maybe two or three old guys coming in here once a week. I just can’t keep the lights on.”

Newly signed Tiger Prince Fielder has promised the city of Detroit that he will do them proud by taking their money and rapidly decaying into an obese, ineffective eyesore before their very eyes over the nine years of his $214 million contract.

“We’re pleased as punch to have Prince here!” said an elated Dombrowski. “However, I do want him to know he may be taking cold showers in our clubhouse, and riding a rented 1987 Greyhound bus when we travel to Tampa--at least until Uncle Sam pulls through!"

Visitors to MLBTradeRumors.com will be disappointed to find the popular blog has shuttered after completely missing any scoop that Prince Fielder might sign with the Tigers, despite more than 400 posts over the last year speculating on where the hefty slugger might wind up.