Detroit

With the Tigers and White Sox both sputtering down the stretch, a noted sports psychologist believes both teams are subconsciously tanking out of sympathy for the third-place and mathematically eliminated Royals, who have not made the postseason since 1985.

The manager of GameStop Detroit phoned 911 and pleaded for help, "They're trying to break in! They want to play their game but we think it's an unfair deal for GameStop. A game of this caliber should be going for $70, not $60! I mean, come on! There's a new freaking skating physics engine for Christ's sake. These gamers have had it too good for too long!"

Team names are fun, but they don't always accurately reflect a franchise's players and fans. Here at The Heckler, we've created a few alternate names and logos that are more descriptive of the teams they represent.

"It's embarrassing," said the officer. "All the guys keep making fun of me for being a cherry. Or they say I must be blind if I haven't spotted a drunk Lion on the road yet."

"Once a forward from the opposing team skates the puck into the neutral zone from their own zone, our players on the ice will all turn towards Jimmy Howard and yell, in unison, 'Look out, Jimmy -- here comes the puck!'" said Babcock. "In the event that it's Jonas Gustuvsson in net, the strategy will likely change to yelling 'Look out, Jonas -- here comes the puck!'"

Lions DT Nick Fairley issued an apology Wednesday morning for this recent drug and DUI arrests, but stopped short of apologizing for the entirety of both incidents earlier this spring.