Detroit

“We didn’t realize you were just trying to get up by repeatedly smashing that player’s head into the ground, then jamming your cleats into his arm,” said commissioner Roger Goodell. “We’re so sorry you got ejected for that obvious attempt to regain your balance."

“I know he’s just trying to be intense and everything, but tearing the heads off dolls? That’s just sick, man,” said fellow defensive lineman Cliff Avril. “And dunking the heads in ketchup and eating them like chicken nuggets? Gross.”

Minutes after Lance Briggs was flagged for unnecessary roughness on a seemingly clean hit that leveled Lions WR Calvin Johnson Sunday evening, NFL officials were scrambling as it finally became clear the league no longer had the ability to distinguish a dirty hit from a clean one.

"I'm gonna show Jerry and Lovie I'm only marginally washed-up now," tweeted Harris. "Good luck getting more than one 70+ yarder against me is all I'm saying."

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell today announced Lions DE Ndamukong Suh has been fined $20,000 for poking Patriots QB Tom Brady on Facebook earlier this week. It represents the league's latest effort to curb Suh's beastly intimidation tactics but is the first time he's been fined by the league for something done off the field.

A deeper look inside Lions practice reveals a culture shift occurring in Detroit. Now, Schwartz can be found dressed in a black “Cobra Kai” Gi leading karate drills during warm-ups. The team barks in unison as Schwartz -- referred to as “Sensei” -- gives instruction.

Chug-Chug encounters a Detroit Red Wings fan and picks up a new habit.