Lions

"We've petitioned the state government to receive historical status for the Silverdome," said a spokesman. "As the home of the Lions for nearly 30 years, it's been the site of some of sport's ugliest drunken fan brawls ever. Also a few awesome Barry Sanders runs!"

Even more shocking than Brown's admission is the number of veteran Lions offensive linemen who have come out in his support, suggesting that for the past 55 years they too have been allowing defenses to run roughshod all over the Lions.

"It's kinda weird to think we haven't won at Lambeau in my lifetime," said Benson, who was born in 1991. "Then again, we're pretty terrible. Maybe by the time I retire they'll have broken the streak ... but I doubt it."

After a blown call and obscure NFL rule gave the Houston Texans a free touchdown on Thursday, Detroit Lions head coach Jim Schwartz has taken out a bounty on all NFL officials.

"I'm seeing a witch doctor," Johnson reported to the Detroit Free Press on Wednesday. "I've had enough of this. I'm Megatron for God's sake. I'm like the tallest, biggest, fastest freak of nature on the planet, and I'm not catching footballs?! This has to be voodoo."

“Did you see Nubie out there after Jay got flattened by Suh?” Tice said, referring to the quick actions of team physician Dr. Gordon Nuber. “While Jay was coughing up a rib and repositioning his spleen, Suh walked over to I presume stomp on Jay’s throwing hand or something. But Nubie moved in between and blocked him off. It was beautiful.”

"He completely destroyed Megatron," said Goodell while reviewing concussion reports. "Hence, his new name is Optimus Prime."