Iowa

In response to a very boring year and Northwestern being relevant for the Rose Bowl, Big Ten Football has announced a name change for their Leaders and Legends Divisions: the Lousy and Lackluster Divisions.

“I’m not going to pay 12 bucks a ticket and $3.50 for a beer just to watch some double-A nobodies!” said Iowan Jud Purdue. “Logan Watkins?! Who is this schlub? I want real triple-A players. And at least a one quadruple-A stud.”

Buoyed by his perceived success of placing the world's biggest single-game league championships in the middle of a small, snowy Midwestern town, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell this morning announced that he has selected an even smaller, snowy Midwestern town to host the 2016 Super Bowl.

"A lot of people assumed we'd do something that made sense like split the teams up by geography or name them after our most famous alums, but why take the logical route?" said commissioner Jim Delany. "And there's no way we're changing it, no matter how stupid even our most die-hard supporters believe it to be."

Wisconsin, Northwestern, Michigan, Michigan State and Penn State are all looking for new homes Saturday evening after the Big Ten announced it was dropping the five schools for their part in the conference getting swept in its New Year's Day bowl games.